I have to say that is this a hard post for me to write. I am not generally that person who will share their “feelings” freely in the last few years, for the simple fact that I have packed them away and not allowed them to show too much. I once was someone who would “wear my heart on my sleeve” and allowed people in and loved people. I still love, just much less than before, not as deeply and completely…because that is where the pain is the most prominent.
If you were to think of my emotions as ropes on the sailing ship of my life, the ends are frayed and not in the best of shape and they will hold a knot, but for how long is unclear. I am not sure how much weight they can hold, so I use them gingerly and carefully. They are worn quite a bit from the storms this ship has seen. Looking for some calm seas to mend them, dry them out and make them strong again. Get the picture?
I had an epiphany last week regarding my emotional state, or lack thereof, when I was trying to put my finger on the reason I don’t listen to as much music as I might have in the past. I would listen to music that had a beat to it, but nothing that really resonated because I would start to cry. I even took to singing karaoke, which I enjoy, but can only sing certain songs…the ones I can get through without getting choked up. I sat with a cup of coffee and pondered the thought for some time.
I love music, all types of music…powerful music and gentle music. So why wasn’t I making it part of my day? And then it hit me like a ton of bricks…it was because it allowed me to feel. It opened up my heart and allowed me to feel things, made me unwillingly feel things, things that I have not dealt with. Things that are painful. Things that make me very sad. Things that cause me physical pain when the thought presents itself. Then I thought, how do I fix this? This can’t be the way to live for the rest of my life. How does someone heal from hurt and pain in their heart? How do you heal without hurting those around you with your sadness? How do you move forward with your life, when it causes you to second guess every thought you have about the future because of your past? These are all questions that are going to take some time to address and find answers to, if there are answers at all. Well, I better get started!